Wednesday, June 21, 2006

My baby boy is napping, and I sit before the screen, tap-tap-tapping my way into feeling better. Trying to belong in a world of new mommies and stay-at-home boredom. I hate this life. Though it is all for my child, I wonder if going to work would make me a better parent? Would I long to see his hazel eyes smiling at me, and not shudder every time he started to cry?

I talked to women who stayed home with their children, and they speak of a "purpose" so much stronger than filling a 9 to 5 day at the office. At first, I felt that way too. In actuality, I think I forced myself to enjoy it. I ignored the signs of boredom, and labeled the afternoon naps as exhaustion. Maybe I'm not exhausted. Maybe my brain just needs more stimulation that a three month old baby can provide. I miss getting up in the morning with a purpose, doing my hair and applying makeup. I feel stranded within this life of sweatpants, with my sole morning decision being whether to wear a bra or not.

Now please do not judge me, because I LOVE being a mother. There is nothing better than hearing my little boy laugh, watching him try to sit up on his own, and coo when I rub his cheek. I even love changing dirty diapers, and washing the clothes full of spit up. I have never had a more important job than that of being someone's mommy.

That being said, having the financial capability to give him the finer things in life would make me feel good. I'm not talking about spoiling him, but not having to wonder if we can afford the Baby Einstein dvd's or not. The realization has set in that my family may just be happier with a second income, and that long overdue construction project may actually get put into motion.

2nd story, here we come!

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