Wednesday, July 26, 2006
So this is completely non-food related, but I feel the need to write. It's wierd, how I only write the emotional stuff when I'm hurting. When life takes an unexpected turn, and I forgot to wear my seatbelt. I feel very lost, and alone inside, which I know is kinda silly. I have a beautiful baby and a wonderful husband, but at the same time am utterly exhausted, and find myself slipping ever-so-slowly into a depression.
When I was a kid, I almost drowned in our pool. I remember the feeling of being trapped under the water, with cold fingers pulling me further from the surface...when a bit of panic strikes and your mind freezes. That's where I am. I look okay to those around me, but I fear that the mirage is starting to crack. I've been snippy and bitchy to my loved ones, totally losing my cool amid the current family crisis.
And yet, I'm honest about my depression with everyone. I know it's an issue, but I'm handling it, and everything was under control until my grandma went into the hospital yesterday morning. I've asked my hubby to look into whether counceling is covered by our insurance, but I get the feeling he isn't taking my pleas for help seriously. Maybe I need to learn the lesson of being less dependent on others, and make the call myself? Maybe I need to meditate with a group and try to ground myself? Either way, I know I'll be okay. Eventually I will get a new job, and this fog will lift on it's own. I'm just not sure I want to wait that long.